He touched my life.

Its 8.44 am, and i'm at my desk with loads to share, i have so many things to tell myself, so many things my friends wanna know.. m gonna meet 'em over lunch n tell 'em all about it.. they were very eager.. all wondering.... wats rong wid Tasneem :). i happen to realise, they care more than i thought.

i keep saying.. not very often though... that LIfe teaches and I am learning. the last three days of my life have been somehting like a bookmark. i had just read that people can have n impact and touch lives, never had i experianced that. it was in these three days that i really realised that. may be i shud say.. just yesterday.. coz wat happended yesterday.. never happened to me earlier. i felt like i took the biggest risk of mylife. now it seems so meager to me, but i realise, it was the most daring challeneg i took up yesterday. if i couldnt do it yesterday, i wouldnt ever be able to do anything later on. i was being backed up by a huge gathering. i couldnt believe it.. i saw it all in movies n read it in novels n magazines happening to "big" people, and NO m not exaggerating, this is the exact state of my mind and heart rite now.

i had been to this workshop called "Discover Yourself." by Sadatullah Khan, the editor of Islamic Voice a monthly magazine. i was very eager to attend it since about 5 6 months, thats since i had read about it in that magazine. i was in the course of the "workshop" and i learnt many little things that i had been ignoring. but the mos important event was this.

I had planned to take a sick leave on monday( it was a three day workshop sat sun n mon). i had run out of my annual leaves and i did not want to go for n LOP. i had all my sick leaves and thought i'd use one of them. there was a lil thing dat kept sayin.. your goin for a good cause and ur lieing Tasneem( its not that i never lie. smtimes in little things that i feel "dotn matter" i lie effortlessly) and this one.. i never considered it a lie. neways.. i dint even think about it.
Saturday passed and sunday too, i had a nice itme learning the little things of life, very little things that all of us know very well, i jus happend to get them brsuhed up, with people sharing thier experiances. it was so good. Mr. Sadat was talking of something and there was already some1 in the audiance who could relate that to thier personal life and they were kind enuf to share it, and so... whatever he was saying dat sort of seemd "hypothetical" to me seemd so real when i realised, hey... this is true and it has just now effected a life.
neways.. although i was learning and understanding.. i couldnt match many things with any part or may be i should say incident of my life.Then... it was the third day, monday... Sameer bhai was dropping me to dat confernce hall everydya, he asked if m goin to office, i said no, u have to drop me to the same place, he askd if i called up office, i said no, he askd me to call, then i said... i'll do it later..... all the while in the car, i was thinkin, i'll do it now... but i smhow.. was sort of hesitant to call up NAidu n tell him m not well so wont come. i reached d place.. i thot i'll do it now... i tried... i couldnt... i enterd d hall, i thought again.. i'll do it now... but again i dint... i smhow kept trying, but smthing was pulling me... and at d best thing was.. i dint realise i was so hesitant.. all this was so unconcious to me. i jus kept postponing it.. n i dint give it any importance either, i dint give that hesitation any importance..
the day started, Mr. Sadath began to speak, he askd one of my sister's friend how shez feeling about d the two days shez already spent here, she was on stage and she shared with us all, m feeling gud, iw as laughed at by my brothers and others at home, but i am trying and i saw yesterday, they are realiseing too..... on that.. he(mr. Sadath) took a pen in his hand and placed it on his palm and asked Akhila Baji to try and lift it. everyone in the hall was shocked and she was a lil embarassed too, newyas.. she jus held her hand out n lifted the pen. he then said to her, i askd you to try to lift not to lift it.... everyone got confused... so was i... then he said.. ok.. now you try hard to lift it... she again didnt understand what to do,, she laughed n we all laughed. then he said... ok.. lift it... n she lifted it.. v all laughed again. and it clikd to me... damn.. dats wat.... m jus trying to call since then... y m i not actually calling?? he was still going on with that.. n i jus got up from my chair and walked out... i made a call to Naidu and said.. Naidu m not well so cant make it to office. he said.. ok... take care.. n phewwwwwwwwwwwww... wat a relief... i walkd in, but i still felt.. well it wasnt difficult at all, but.. i sudnt have lied... but dat thought was jus in d background.. too tiny.. it wudnt effect me.. i was glad i called up... went back n sat wid all concentration and enjoyed the talk. the very next topic he convered was integrity. n ting tong.. it was like.. smthing striked.. dats d value of wipro!! silly me... shameless me.. damn.. i thot.. whatever he discussed was in the light of ISlam and the Quran and hadeeth. i felt bad now and told myself m gonna apply for n LOP tomorrow n then feeling a little better i continued n enjoyed my day.

it was evening. time to leave.. jus then, Mr. Sadath said, plz come and share what you have learnt and realised from what we have been workin on since these three days...
i really wanted to share this bit of my life... the "try" bit... and i went on n talked about it.. everyone was smiling at me.. and so was I.. i even told bout how i lied n how i realiesed and dat m gonna apply a lop tomorro... jus then mr. Sadath said, y tomorro.. do it rite now... n i jus lukd at him.. shocked.. he said.. go.. call ur manager, tell him u lied , tell him you are at a workshop... i was on stage, i was embarassed, i had a mike in my hand.. n i went... nooooo wayyy.. i cant do dat.. n he said.. you just told me you realised what it means to be a person of ur word, then y not. truth has power, thes are little things, he shouted again, he said.. go out rite now, talk to your manager, i kept sayin i cant do it.. the whole gathering there began tellin me to go do it and dat i can.. it was sooo wierd.. i cudnt believe it... ppl were recording all this too.. i was so embarased.. i jus thot i;d share the try bit n luk wats happening. but then i realised, well its true... what i am here for n what i did.. if i cant keep my word now.. if i cant keep my word after realiseing the importance of my word.. i never can do it again in my life. if i dont initiate this change now, i never will. there were "big" ppl in the hall offering me thier cell fones to make the call.. i said no.. i have my own.. n walked out... i was terribly horrified.. i cudnt believe i had to call up naidu and tell him i lied n that iw as at a wrkshop, my frnd told me not to.. i told her if dont do it now.. i wont do it ever,,, she had done d same thing.. tuk a sick leave... she calld up n spoke to her boss.. i walked out.. to call naidu.. he wasnt at his desk... i went back in.. every one in d hall was waiting for me... he called me on stage.. n said come back here.. tell us what happende.. i said he wasnt at his desk.. n he dznt carry a cell , its wid his wife( he really dznt). i felt so uneasy, now i wanted to really call up n confess.. cudnt take this pressureo n me... trust me.. it was killing me dat moment. Mr. sadath said, you did not intend to, dats y you cudnt.. but atleast you tried. so get bak. i got back to my seat... but this was the biggest storm i ever felt in my heart. who m i fooling? myself? i dont have d courage to be on my word, and i pretend to be a gudie? i cant do this little thing formyself, what can i ever do for any one else?? i walked out again.. the talks were on.. the other ppl in their were sharing thier experiances.. neways.. iw as already the cynosure for d day!!(ahhh!!!!!) i called up naidu again.. he was ther... but i cudnt talk to him, i ran outta balance.. damn i said to myself.. y is this happening.. i wwnt inside again.. mr.sadath was lukin at me.. askd wid his eyes.. what happnd.. i js smiled.. i tuk asma's cell n calld again.. this time i could speak to naidu... i said.. naidu i called up in the mornin to tell you i was sick and .. cuttttttttttttt... damn!! it got disconnected again... i cudnt belive this was happening to me.. i really cudnt.. dat fone ran outta balance too.. it had js enuf to make a 1 minute call... i went in again.. there was a guy i askd him if he had a fone.. he said no.. i went inside again.. i tuk another ladies fone.. n called up... n finally this time.. i cud talk to him... i told him.. naidu... i called up in the morning to tell you i wasnt well.. actually... m at a workshop, and i am ok... i was feeling guilty about the whole thing so i called you to tell you that ia m here... i am very sorry. and he asked.. what workshop.. i told him bout it.. then he askd.. inside wipro? or outside wipro? i said.. its outside wipro.. n he said.. Tasneem this is not corrct.. its integrity issue you shud not do this.. r u coming tomorro... i said ys... ok v'll tlak tomorro he said.. n cut d fone..
i dunno what i felt after dat.. it was like sooo much peace... so much peace.. but a new storm.. of what will happen tomorro. i walked in.. n ppl noticed the in and out i was duing n d worry dat i had on my face.. i went again on stage.. and i said what happend.. and then iw as told.. you kept your word.. m sure ur feeling powerful now........ believe me.. whn iw as told go talk to ur boss now.. i told myself.. this fella'z lost it... fine hez teaching gud things... but hey.. is he nuts?! i cant do dat... but i realised.. as i felt d nothingness... dat if i do it.. i;d feel peace.. and hey.. I did.... and then another thing.. dat i shall never forget...

after all htis.. i headed for Asar prayers.. i finished namaz and i jus turned around to move bak to the hall, a lady... aged about.. 45 or more... came to me and askd my name.. i said Tasneem and smiled.. and she said.. beta.. ap jo kare wo bohot acchi cheez thi. i jus smiled... and iw as still worried.. she then said to me.. ap abhi bhi pareshan dikhre... pareshan mat ho... mein abhi namaz me dua kari ap donon ke liye, kal sab theek hoga inshAllal.. I cudnt believe it.. i was on d verge of crying... this women.. who dznt even know me... had included me in her dua after her namaz. and she said she asked her fellow mate also to include us... i was overwhelmed... this is perhaps the best event of my life... som person i dotn even know has specially prayed for me in their namaz. i pray for myself my family and friends and and all muslims in general but never did i wid heart and soul pray for some1 like this.

it was so touching.. therz a difference in me. i realised it yesterday... the first wo days iw as all excitd n happy dat therz gona be a change.. but now i realise i was js sayin dat to myself.... but waht happnd yestrday evening... made me realise... dat yes.. there really is a difference.

i came today morning.. calm.. in peace... to face naidu... he is usually d first or d second to come(i am first otherwise) i prayed dat he shud come b4 me today.. n as i walked in he was there.. i js walked to him strait... and was mum... he lukd at me.. i lukd at him.. he wanted to smile( it seemd dat way to me) but he dint.. then he jus told me.. v encourage such wrkshops Tasneem, but you must say, you shudnt do this.. and i jus replied, yes i realise dat.. and i was guilty so i called up yesterday, and i am sorry i shall never repeat this. and dats itttttttt!!!!!! it tuk me less than 2 minutes to sort it .. less than two minutes!! of what i thot .. would turn out.. very bad...

i feel so gud :)

hey... its 9.41 am now :)
ciao!!

P.S hey i frgot to mention.. on d first day i had got this "homework" to do to find out my +ves n -ves from the ppl who are closest to me... n wow.. what all i got to know.. i dint know they think of me life dat... n i ensured they dint say it fr d heck of it.. i cud fel it.. they so true in criticsm too.. n i realised i unconciously started wrking on my negatives already :)