Dimaag kharaab yaaro!#$%??*&%$

kya hai ye!! damn!
nuthin seemd to work fine aj... jo karrun.. dhang se horaich nai! :(
n dekho... che bhi baj gaye! i dotn wanna go home.. kuch to b karke jana tha... jao bhai!!! damn damn damn!!!
m so pissd off ki kya bolun !!!!!
kal bhi chutti hai !!!
ab wed aana....
kya hai ki bhai ye.. upar se May start hogya... mummmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy :(

hogya time.. jarun!

hey Shonaa... dats on ;)

:( jaao yaaroo!! kuch nai work karra ye!! :(

i;ve been meddling with sm scripts subah se... nuthinz happenin... kya hai ki bhai! aisa nai hona!.. m movin towards a pissing off day.. n NO i DONT want to :(

it aint gud wn it dznt wrk.. :( .. but wats d point... it dznt work.. dats y m here.. n i gotto make it wrk :( booo hoo!

hai tujhe bhi ijaazat.. karle tu bhi mohabbat
in dinon dil mera
mujhse hai keh rahaa..
tuuuuuuuuuuuuu.. khaab sajaa...
tuuuuuuuuuuuuu.. jeele zaraaa.....
hai tujhe bhi ijaazat.. karle tu bhi mohabbat...
hai tujhe bhi ijaazat.. karle tu bhi mohabbat...

gud song yaa..

han.. d weeekend... !! :) :)
bohto accha raha.. hey.. was out after so long u know..
saturday nite.. green grass.. dark sky... few stars.. a smiling moon.. n under dat.. me walkin(bear footed.. d g haans was not geeli.. hoti to.. mazaaa aajata :) .. yea.. n n orange ball.. n my baby Rehan.. n yea.. now he kicks reallyy well :) hehe.. n not frgetting d chane bataane... yea was at necklace road( it still stinks there!!!! ) wid aapi n sam bhai n baj n rehan.. n had a really gud time! .. did i mention dat chana wala was cutting d pyaaz itna jaldi jaldi n itni choti choti.. hehe.. i cudnt wn i tried it next day.. lol...
sunday was nice too.. not much done .. but yeaa.. cleared my clset n had gud stuff made fr lunch :) n ... mmmmmmm accha tha.. n .. hey call....
yea.. janahai..
n meina ane ke baad naa... ye agar work nahi kara naaaaaaaa!!! to DEKHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! :(

n haan.. kal chutti hai kate naaaaa?
:) i dinnoo dat yaa :)

tata!

weeeekend!! :)

bohot kuch hojara aaaj.. kaisa Friday hai??? Kiran called all the way frm Finland to tlak to me?? yaikss!! hehehe.. more on that... abhi titme dekhre!!! i'll miss d bussss...

adiosss!!!

amidst thermocol balls, balloons n ribbons.. its raining colors :)

Goshh.. i really gotto log this... i cant tell ya.. da feelin of wrkin.. ahh ok.. no one in work mood abhi.. :D ... my workspace is all colorful yaa... kitna accha lagra malum... its like.. umm well. i wish they;d allow cameras in here :( ...
its ODC decor day aj.. v've been trying to gear up the team to participate since yestrday.. n finally concluded.. its gonna be colors all all allll the way.... n d way passed on.. n my place was as rookha sookha as eva!! .. Sesi.. said he;d bring d decor stuff.. but.. unfortunatelyyyyy lol nai.. may be fortunate..( nuthinz unfortuante.. n if it is.. it wont happen.. haina :) ) han... so... v wernt gona do anythin.. until.. i started gettin calls... sayin.. u gotto do it.. n i started well.. pestering ppl here.. ( mera pestering kaisa rehta malum na?? lol lol.. hey.. its different wid my team han... u know.. utnaaaaaaaaa scene nai hai ;) ) yea.. so... murli smhow got convinced wn i said.. v can do smthin by 3 atleast!!... wo kya hai na... i was already kinda jealous when safa was describing.. dat they're odc luks very gud... n its all ballooonnnnnssss everywhereeeeee!! sonchoooo... workin among ballooonnnnnsssss!! kya baat hogi naiii?? hogi nahi... hai :D... filhaal m amidst colors n balloonss.. n ribbons.. n this n that.. n hey.. yea.. u know wat my monitor looks like???? hehe.. wil give ua briefin on dat..... u know those colorful thermacol ballss... yea.. bhaia ki shadi ke time.. sm packets were left.. i got up this mornin n threw those in my bag.. n i dint frget the thread either( fr d balloonns :) ).. dekhe... my bhullakkadness ( my my myyy,,, m messin up wid wrds sooo badly.. lol ) newayss!!...
yea so i got those.. n ordered glue from our stationary.. n .. its all colorful balls.. on my monitor... u know.. outlining my screen.. ... yea i cant stop smilin.. lol.. newyass...
heyy .. i had my first ever client call aj :D
and.. aur kya kya hua... mmm
aj na.. is Srimant's last day.. yea.. he sent a bye bye mail.. very helpful banda yaa.... not gona start bout him now.. i'll take another more than half page :)
khair.. abhi me the very the very the happyyyzzz( lol lol hey... keets is still on her trip.. singapore malaysiaaa nai.. maldives tha shayad wo... ya.. mauritious??? heheh pata nai... i always mess up with those three places.. n my geography....

lol lol lolll loll.. dont ask me y m laughin... i js had to move to get those.. ahh well.. they called 'emsleves judges... to c our.. well colorful wrkspace....
neways.. i know it aitn all taht gud in comparison to d others.. na... wil be bakkkkk
na neva mind.. missd 'em.. my whole team is gayab.. pata nai kahan gaye.. newas.. chalta.. yea.. so where was i.. heyyyyyyyyy.. THEY named our team shyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!! ye team.. aur shyy.. mashAllah SubhanAllah hai ye log.. lol.. yea.. smtimes m glad... although.. its d .. well.. d typical telgu atmosphere here... m no much more ok with it.. :)

khair.. heee.. i hope this stays longer.. waiseeeee.. Jumma hai.. i remmber.. how i spent my last friday... n it makes me just thank Him all the more.. simple things... take you to the depth of life... you smtimes need to get to d bitter part of it to njoy d sweetness life has to offer.. khair.. hogya.. n m glad its donee.. :)

waise.. i;ve got work yaa.. :(... n m duin gud wrk asjkal :) .. i js hope it lasts... nah not the work... the feelin of work... feeeeeeeeeeeling reminds me!!!!!!! ... toooooo much hora yaa ab to!..

but there aint no point :D ... ia int gona shut my blabbering for anything haina... coz its for me dat i rite.. .. n waise.. i got this lil teeeny weeny.. thingy ( hehehe.. oxford walo ko padhana mere blogs!! ... they sure wud wanna add all this into their dictionary :) ) .. yea.. so the 'thingy' lol lol.. yea.. it was like... ummm... bhulgayi.... damn..
hey.. pata nai.. outlook ko kya hua.. :( its offline.. n d online enabling option is disabledd.. n .. han.. yaad aaya... wait call.... ahh missd one...
ya.. to thingy ye tha.. ki.. na.. janedo...

wil get bak wid coktail baad asar!..
nah.. not here... bak to my.. colorful .. hehe workland!!..

Maassalaama!

editing attendence!!

hey.. m jus bak from a meetin... know wat Naidu told me after dat meeting.. he came to me n said.... those remainders for that attendence dat ur gettin.. js go edit ur attendance.. know wat dat means????? i dont miss out on leaves:D
sweet naii????? i was wonderin.. ehh.. is this d same guy i messed up a lil with earlier bout dat wrkshop.. ahh i remmbr wat happnd then.. ahhh...
blaa neva mind..
Gayatri buggin me for tomoroz decoraiton...

n yeaa... i dont think i had any fruitful wrk done fr d day yaa.... was js tryin things out.. but yea.. i did s quality work... ahh well but none of it really gave worthwile output.. ( now dont ask me y i call is quality work then)

newaysss

byee!!

He jus left a smile on my face :)

Its just another morning i thought.... was up by 5.30 done wid namaz n my recital.. then i thot... therz a lil more time.. not a quick nap :D... n dat quik nap became a long nap.. n i got up at 7.. havnt wasehd my clothes since long.. coz of those hospital visits n all.. took me long time to pull out smthin to wear... did all dat very quickly..n ditn have time fr breakfast.... but luckilyyyy.. there was a little left from that loaf of bread nanima brought for mumma yesterday.. so i took a slice n spread sm jam over it.. n put anothe rslice over dat one.. n started my.. well hunt!!.. i cudnt find d aluminium foil until 5 minutes.. n it was already 7.35... grabbed n old newspaper( kal ka hi tha ) n folded it n wrapped dat bread in it n threw it in my bag.. n oh damnnn!! dat reminds me!!! i frgot.. sheesh... ammi's socks!! da doc gave sm muscle toning socks( dats wat he called it) for mummaz leg... n wo pehnana i frgotttttt!!!!! damn!

nways.... ya... so.. i rushed n i was at d stop on time... infact d bus was late aj so i happend to stand there a lil longer than usual!... so i reached jayabhushan hosp.. n js a little left to its gate( wear is usually wait fr my bus.. ) i stood there.. n d damn sunlite was rite over my face i cudnt even luk dat end .. to locate d bus coming... n js in front of me.. i saw this :D :D :D :D very very decent lukin guy!!! yeaaaa!!! Lol... yea.. Tasneemz tlakin of looks :p ... so i saw this fella.. n js cudnt stop myself frm smiling!!.. i was like.. koi itne acche bhi hosakte... lol lol.. yea very funny i know.. m laughin too.. but trust me.. i ditn look for long.. but dat minute.. i was totally.. woo.. howww sweeetttt... he was u know.. ek dum neat.. n classy ... u know like they say.. handsome in d true sense of the word!! :D
i dotn really remmber d color.. but yea it was a lite shirt na dark trouser( d formal look) n he wore those spects dat added to dat... umm wat do u call it now... pata nai... jo bhi.. he was gud.. lol lol lol... n he was waiting witha back pack and n air bag... he was proabbaly waitin fr sm1 to join them for a journey... i think it was his mum in the car .. she lukd at me.. i ditn have a coice but to return it... neways.. i was waitin n he was waitin too.. nt hen another car came n he went wid his bags n sat int here.. n drove away :) .. n then my bus came n i sat n it drove me here... lol... n i cudnt stop smiling all my way to office...

have lotsa work fr d day...
not sure if i'll get bak here again.... wella tleast fr day... but yea... u never knoww.. :)

adioss :)

n hey... i dint mention dat his car no. was AP9 6829 .. lol... lol.. dont be surprised.. not dat i noted it... it js flashed beofre me.. wats surprising is... i remmber da number although am terrible at it... lol lol lol

the damn acroRd32 process!

i hate this , i hate this, i hate this , i hate thisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!

js dis mornin i was talkin how work has all suddnly become so magical for me.. i js try it.. n it happenss... n it happens well.... alas.. that "bhram" of mine had to break.. i finishd mornin cofee n got bak.. i see it aint wrkin as it was yest.. i strggled since mornin... since morninnnnn n i cud do nuthin.. rushed rushedddd fr lunch n dint allow d otherz to eat theek se either.... n got bak.. n went to srimant askin fr help.. he gave me no option.. i dint wanna do this... but i had to.. i had to undo d whole damnt thing.. dats been wrkin terrifically... to track dat damn error... then! when i undo it what do i see!! d damn things still dznt wrk.... then i tell srimant.. n know wat he said.. ooooooo... d problem is .. n extra process must b running in ur task manager.. chk it.. n delete it.. DAMN!!!!!!!!! wo stupid stupid stupid chini mini si process ke liye.. kya hua yahan u knowwwww... mummmyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.. mere ... itne din ka kaaam.. hell.. d whole damn requiremnt damn it!!!
i gotto start frm... scratchhhhhhhh.... i do hav a bakup.. magar fir bhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
uwaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

will get bak in a while!

kya hia bhai ye!!!! :( :( :(

i js tried wrkin wid d backups now... ab ye nai kaam kara na! to dekho mein kya kartun!!!! :(

gifs clearmake :D
alexserv build successfull... :D
alex_win32 build.. :D :D .. ye bhi successfull...
ab zara ruko.. meku dekhnedo..

ohh i frgot it was here :D
han to d outcm was bad
i fixed it.. again it was bad.. i fixed it again... it was again bad.. n i fixd it again...
n abhi... kuch kuch theek hai....

but yea.. 1 think i learnt... u keep a backup of d whole damn file if.. jus a "space" is what d change u;ve made in it!!!! (err xaggeration i gues.. cz there sure is a "ignore space" option :D)

n another think i learnt... dont always think u;ve made a mistake jus coz things suddenly dont work... it usually is d rong thing ur treating... :( i js had to undo all d wrk i did coz i thot i made sm mistake smwhere.. but it was sm other silly prob.. ehh.. neva mind....
atleast m better by asar time... n in d mean while i fixd a bug whihc i dinno existed( d bug sure was introduced bye me haan.. :P)

neways... very mixed feelings fr d day... gadbad bhi horahi hai... acche cheezen bhi bohot ho rahe hain.. i heard this song.. n i went like.. arre.. ye lyrics toooooooooooooooo..... n ya.. there they were.. n i smiled...

han to wo pdf ka prob wahin atka hai... Srimant came to my desk n gave sm awee n wowz( u shud c his expressions n d way he talks.. its sooo cute u know!! hez frm orissa.. n hez like a... umm welll.. yea .. a teddy bear.. :D hehehe.. yea.. hez got this.. wierdly stupidly cute accent.. n wateva he says to Tharak(dats another guy in d team.. ) makes me laugh... ahh.. hez goin now.. :( m gona miss his silly talk( it wud neva b direct... he;d aalways attack Tharak or sesi.. n smtimes kalpana... but he;d make all d otherz laugh... ) n more importantly.. for his technical expertise over Alex.... kya hoga ALex ka Srimant ke bina.. i dunnoo... hmmm... i missed thier ( Debraj left already.. ) farewell lunch n gayatri;s bday get together... wasnt in d rite frame of mind for it waise...

we had a meeting scheduled fr d day... got postponed :D yet again... earlier it was postponed cz i wasnt available ( :D) n naidu bhi i guess... today i dunno y it got postponed.. but yea... it did.. not sure for gud or bad... n srimant seemd more worried than us.. not sure why.. hehe...

newyas.. may b more on this....

Laterrrzzzz......

When you care...

When you care, ur there..
When you care, u share...
When you care, you stand by them, although they never stood
when you care, you miss them..
when you care, you wish bliss for them..
When you care, you may not say..
when you care, you sure will stay..
But when you dont, it aches..
'coz once you did, so it later hurts....

The Bad road.. to... ummm.. the right place...

i wudnt be exaggeratng by callin it nightmare... but know wat d gud thing bout nightmares are? they are done as soon as ur up from sleep... n u aint gona sleep for very long rite :)

it isnt gud to lie on a couch staring at ur mum( for a change... peacefully sleeping[cz of d sleepin pills she'd been given...]), in the darkness of the nite, waiting for the morning "not to come" for some moments... n for it "to come" veyr fast at other moments....

it isnt gud to walk frantically.. outta d operation theatre( it luks gud only in movies.. when d hero or heroine is in there and they are sure to walk out wid a smile .. )

it isnt gud to wait for soemthing to end as desperately as ever.. especially when it takes double the time... and during those few hours.. the damn clock hands just dont move!

it isnt good to c ur most precious being's eyes wet coz of pain.. and she still smiles so as not to show shez really in pain...

it isnt gud to have sleepless nites (sleepless in d very very true sense) wishing for wishes to come true and wishing for other thoughts not to come true.

its difficult to smile in such time... it more difficult not to smile ... coz one thingz for sure... u anyway aint gona cry( cz u cant... u shudnt.. all fr d gud reasons though.... )

it isnt gud to c her broken n with a thought that things wont be ok again...

but u know... thats when you hav to b at ur magical best... you wudnt imagine... u grow by ages just within moments.... n that.. is coz ur Lord wants it that way for you. you dont realise it then... but when you do.. you can not thank Him less... for all the pain given, so the little things later can bring really big smiles...

she walked yesterday... and she was in terrible pain, she told me how could this happen.. i just looked... n made her sit... i told her... v WILL walk tomorro mum... and today she did :) and the pain wasnt as much as earlier...

they are gona discharge her tomorro InshAllah...n she'll take sometime to be good... but one things for sure.. she'll improve by every passing day... so its not gona be a tiring journey after all..

and He cudnt c me that way... so He put in that extra personal touch of His for me.. that He usually does... and this thing i've been wrkin on... since those stressful days... seems to show gudy results.... i think i can do it... :)

i am still blue... but may be a lighter shade...

Seems liks its been long.. but i really dont think so.. coz m not very sure if days are jus rushing too fast or is it that m missin out on smthin.... sometimes i also feel times movin too slow... n i bein put thru a lil more than what i shud have been...
riddle talk has seemd to have become more of an "aadat" of mine... than a style that i usually thought i'd carry off well.... not that its adversely effecting... blaaa neva mind..

ya.. bak here... its building... doesnt take much time... but even seconds are important nowdays... neways... they wanted me to head home from hosp... d docs came over n did their chek ups.. n surprisingly( not really... ye doctors ki fitrat se nafrat hote jari meku! [i know dats js a a sign of.. wel wateva] ) n d cardiac said.. hez ratign it a high risk surgery... v had another round of thought... frantic calls... thoguhts to withdraw frm d hosp n chuck d damn idea of s surgery... they were all in everyonez minds... baba me n baj...

d build must b dn... i'll get bak.. voila! succeeded!... lol pathetic outcome( d toolbar luks...eeeeeeeeeeks n yaiks n blaa n.. hey.. i messd it up!)... i'll get bak in a while... ya... buildin again... so where was i... ya.. d risk bit...

then d nuero guy came again... n said it in 1 line... its high risk.. u wana go fr it he asks me!.. i give him d wierdest ever luk he cud have ever got frm a pateint's attendant!.. newyas... he says... if its not effecting her life very much v;ll go fr it.. n i xplained( veyr very patiently!!!) that it sure is, shez in immense pain n dats y v r here... he js said.. wil discuss n get bak.. n i lukd at mum... n mum lukd at me.. n she laughed... thn i laughed( i aint sure y)

the other lady in d room ( i dint mention rite... v dint get a single room... apolo is full of patients... v had to delay admission coz of it.. n finally got a shared room... wid n old lady.. she expressed her concern whn d doc said high risk.. (ther r sm curtaisn dat make it luk like.. two rooms.. so she cud obviously hear d conv... .. ) build up.... hold agian! damn! error!!!!!
fixed it... but it stil dznt luk very gud...

neways.... wat m i duin here? d surgery was scheduled fr today.. but they said no cz mum was on asprin n asprin makes d blood thin( not sure how i shud say dat.. m refering to d consistency of d blood) welld ats required fr sm ppl fr sm reasons( dont ask me wat... i have a very vague idea but dnt wana put it here.. wat if sm1 cmz across this n reads it n uses this piece of not so authentic information... nah... not fr anotherz life!)

ohhh i totally frgot i was here... ahh wandered off frm d page.. neways... hey d toolbar luks better.. in place... messd up wid d functionality though :D

neways... i dnt wana scroll up to read wat i was riting n where i left b4 i wandered away frm dis page.. but... js wana tell myself.... i know things will be fine.. very soon... they have to... THEY DONT REALLY HAVE A CHOICE! i aint given them any.. :(

i'll talk of one gud thing.. n one bad...
the anaesthciologist( m damn sure i spelt it rong!! ) gave sm time n xplained mum wat he meant when he said "high risk" mum likd it... n asked.. r u gona b there tomoro? he smield n said yes... she was relieved :)... words make so much of a difference... this is just one of d million xamples... kind words, gud words, concern... they r so important to make urself realise how human u r... u realy cant live widout it... d other docs i tell ya... i shudnt b sayin it though.. but i cant help it.. i wudnt hesitate terming their behaviour barbaric!! communication... one very very very important factor in dat noble profession.. n i feel sorry.. the docs today LACK IT!!! n m not tlakin of js anothr hosp... this onez supposedly d "most trusted" name in healthcare.. all over the world!! ....
neways.. i was gona tlak of d gud n d bad hting...
ya so m wid mum all d while in d hosp rite.. so d docs interact wid me... n dis one.. d anaesthesia( i think this onez spelt rite) doc... was xplainin to me too.. n thn my sister made it just in time.. n he was tellin her d same hting.. n my sis expressed her concern over the not so gud treatment.. ( d communi gap basically) that v recievd frm d docs... n so he said.. its js dat thery r too bz.. but d gud thing is.. i see u ppl are verry intelligent.. i must say ia m impressed by your language.. he had asked me wat i do.. i said i am n engineer.. n expressed his appreciatin to d fact that i wasnt blank bout d medical stuff either.. u know sm med stats i gave him n d guy sort of though oh.. she knowz quite much.. but then... later he added.. i seriously appreciate d way you are into this n understand it fairly well when comapred to d others from ur community ( he said dat wid a " m sorry to say" clause) .. i js lukd on... so dat wz d gud n bad thing...

movin on..... i was gettin calls n mails n sms frm all my frnds.. even acquaintances( cz i've sort of kept myself off everythin since quite a few days now) but i was waitin fr this one frndz call.. wich i dint recv .. :(

neways... baba wanted me to go home n rest fr a while.. ir eally dinno wat i;d do at home... so persuaded him to drop me to wrk... so was here at 1... wil head bak to hosp..

n i cudnt find a better way to .. well.. yea.. relax... ahh.. err ya... lol dat sounds funny i knwo.. relax by wrkin...
n therz a lot on d work sphere( they cancelled a meeting coz iw asnt available.... i liked d importance for a while.. but m scared bout d responsibility that i'll have to shoulder...).. i'll get dat out once m thru wid this..... but ya one thing i realise.. i feel m a lot more stable tahn i was fourteen days back ...

neways...
ciao!

longing to post a cheerful one...

Was walking in a hurry... it was past 7.40 am, i was most likely to miss the bus(i actually did miss mine.. moved to another stop n thankfully got d other one there..) i was rushing... n a little boy there.. ( i walk to take n auto to reach d stop) n he asked... "Baji aj aap moo nahi dhoye?" n he smiled at me... i js smield n said.. dhoyi n nodded my head... may b my eyes r swelled up or smthin cz of... neva mind...
..i dont have a choice... i cant keep it within, it hurts.. more than i think i could i handle... i need to get it out n place it orderly.. so i can use my mind to for a sensible approach to it... a paranoid behaviour wont really do...
i dont scribble here.. i wont undstand... may b i;'ll rite it.. thn read it.. then undrstand.. and may see a better way out...

i;ve been to every hospital i could have with baba n mum... its all confusions.. they dont know what.. and more so.. v cant decide... surgery or not... what the hell are htey for? i hate doctors... i;ve known some of them in this little time.. n i see them no less than butchers.. inhuman people practicing their profession... dats d whole game out htere.... outta all i;ve been to... may js 3 have shown a genuine response... i hate them all..

hez a spine surgeon... i was convinced... earlier.. i wasnt one bit for d surgery.... later i thought this was it.... Akhil Dadi.. hez d doc for my mom i thought... a new morning showed me a different perspective.. n v( me n baba) have been meddling with thoughts... trust me.. totally lost in it... i ws sure last nite.. its 90% surgery tomoro morning... i thought v'll go by instinct now.. have had enuf of it... she has to be relieved of the pain.. therz no delaying... no second thought anymmore... its just not helping her.. none of us can see her that way... got up morning... thought v'd b goin for it.... baba had another thought this mrning... he was awake wn i walked down to see.. i asked are v going.. he asked me to sit... n said... v;ll go to Alok Ranjan once... he said that yesterday too.. i did not agree.. i dont wanna take mum to apollo after dat neurologist cold response day before yesterday... i dont trust them one bit... and its devastating to think of having her operated with a doc from that departmnt in apollo ... but baba says v;ll try....... call... ghar se tha....
neways.... until last nite... i thot tomoro morning m gonna b at Yashodha secunderabad... gettin mum ready for d surgery... since ia m here... posting this... i relaise the Lord dint want it that way... and this is somehting i really relied on.. i wanted the right way to be shown... may b m being led... may be we are being led.....
it isnt that baba isnt convinced about Akhil Dadi... but yea he did have some doubts.. coz he luks like a young guy... but i happened to read bout him.. in sm news clippings on d noticeboard in dat hosp.. that read he was a spine surgeon whoz done more than 300 of such surgeries.. n is also good at joint replacements... dad candidly asked him... n he was kind enuf not to overreact.. ns aid i so 2 - 3 such surgeries ina month..

i dont know.. i aint sure... leaving thigs to happen... instead of turning them around to make them work... may b leavin them to allow them to work will help...

work is piling up too... i dont know wats gona happen here either...

i really dont kno

when i feel i;ve got d grip over myself.. i realise i am losing it again....
y are things falling apart inspite my efforts....

wz ritin smthin here.. but.. js got a call... rushing home...

Crying, to lull myself to sleep!!.. Alhumdulilah.. not anymore..

ahh.. neva mind... i aint gonna continue that saga of bad days... i mean not in d day to day thing like iw as duin... it all js got messed up.. nt hen it all fell in place.. n i;ve started wrkin... n m movin slow... but m atleast moving!

wasnt at work yesterday.. i thought i;d come a little later after m done with mummy's doctor meetings.. but it wasnt destined to happen that way... ( notice the heavy words m using? "destined" .. i aint d kind to use words loosely, nope.. not one bit... i dotn use such meaningful words js bout abywhere.. m sort of surprised i've started using thm... (not loosely though) they just seem to fit the context these days..)

neways... i js thought d ortho is gonna zero in on the surgery and give us some instructions for the next follow up... it dint turn out thatw ay... he ruled that out... ( i gave a sigh of relief.. but still there was a doubtful linger in there... ).. but he still wasnt sure.. i kept enquiring to wateva extent i can get my biological knowledge in use... he said we cant conclude now.. its just dat v dont need a surgery... dats not the only problem she has.. we need to further diagnose it to understand what really is causing all that.... he xplained.. and i understood that it was js not the disc problem.. it ought to be somehting else too.. like he said... n so we were forwarded to the neurologist... this took quite sometime! u know how its at NIMS! we had to take a token... n to take dat it took us 1 hour... we got a token .. wich read '60' and i asked that guy.. he said.. 21 is goin on!.. ... ammi was already restless.. but baba insisted v;d consult here before goin to any other neuro... the 45th patient was bein checked... my dad smhow got d attender shift our number to another neuro.. n we went in... the lady dint undstand hindi!! she was telgu speakin.. n i went damn! .. thankfully she knew english... she lookd at d MRI n all.. n said its a plain disc issue... i explained to her what i understood from the orthos diagnose.. and told her.. that he said it couldnt be just dat... coz d report definitly does show a slip disc.. but it isnt as severe as the pain mumma describes... n her leg's numb too.. she checked her up.... n realised her flexes have reduced... she dint want to say anything.... she said smthin like.. 'lumbar.... n smthin with p' i ditn undstand it... i asked her for a better xplanation.. n she gave me one.... but she still said i m only suspecting that... v'll get this test done n then v'll consult a neuro surgeon she said..... dad n Tahseen must hv taken her there today.... for that test.... i hope atleast they can diagnose it well n zero in at smthin so they can start treatment.... i sitll have to meet mom's homeo doc... i thought i;ll do it with all the reports... mumma somehow seems to rely on that doc more than the other docs... n so do i.... thats one doc i like... i hope things fall in place... i used to hold Amma( my grandma) to help her walk all the time... mummy used to temme its good , you must help her this way.. kab kaunse waqt dilse nikli dua qubool karta Allah u neva know.. she;d say...... n Amma is fond of me.. a lil more than she is of my younger sisters.... but it isnt good to do the same thing to my mother..... i mean i never imagined i'd ever have to... i don like seeing her this way...

and thats just one chapter of the whole story... there are too many other things going on that are messing life up.... u know like they say.. the time of adversities... yea... d rite phrase perhaps... but what i am glad about is... dat Alhumdulillah... i am out of what i should have... 10 days of sleepless sobbing nights.. not very good... i'll face it...

i just seem to sink into sadness with all such thoughts .. but hey.. dont pity me!.. i know these days are to pass... and they sure will....

work is ok... i mean i've made it ok... it seems like a meagre issue in comparison to what other things are happening.... although i have no idea what sort of relase this onez gonna be...i jus hope i figure out someway to do this... and to do it on time...

hmm i dint mention here... or did i?
i neva thought i;d be n inspiration( not really in the true sense of the word though..) i mean.. this girl in my team... the tech writer .. Gayatri.. ( sweet girl.. ) started riting.. i mean.. typing.. lol dat sounds funny... she said she was a regular diary writer.. but smhow dint find d time these days.... she saw me quite a few times bloggin.. n would ask... n she started riting too... not a blog.. but yea.. she does maintain a log.. :) n taht passed on to another girl here... her name also coincidentally is Gayatri( n shez cute :D) also started it.... so i kinda like... smiled at it.. n at myself... for .. somehow... i was involved in their initiative...

n ya... another friend... i dint know.. i was her best friend :) she told me that the other day.. n i was like.... realllyyyyy??? i dint know that... ( i dint say it to her though....) , i mean... i js knew her since d time i started workin here..... neways... she just dint say it to me... she made me feel that way..... she was really upset n confused... nah not upset.. confused... a sort of storm in her life.... yea... suddenly met a stranger n hez flat over her.. n even proposed to her.. n so she dint know what to do... n can you belive it.. she told d guy she'd want him tot alk to me... she tells me all this... when i am in my own silly world of (sorrow? damn Tasneem cant use such a negative word!!! ) n i jus give her surpirising looks.. n she dials d nuber n says.. le baat kar.. m like u nutssssss? she said u have to... to help me out pleasee.... n i thot well ok... n it seemd alrite... i guess they r lukin forward to a genuine relationship now... n this one is on of its kind.... may be the guy should rite a book.... "love in 7 hours" yea... aisa hi kuch hua... no more details on that... just thot i;d share this piece of astonishment( it sure was for me) with myself... so i could reminisce it later......

hmmm Radha ki shadi hai... n her last day today... another new guy in the team... i dunno his name yet..... i dunno.. CPI ka kya hoga...

And its a Friday... i know my Lord is listning to me

Continued...

8.36 am. and therez a huge huge hugeeeee queue out there at the gate.. i dunno y ppl r standin that way... n yea its a realllly huge crowd... the lines starts fromt he main gate and ends almost at he bus bay area!! n there are two lines(gender discrimination..lol but no priorities here han! ) i think koi walk-ins hain aj... .. hey... magar ek baat hai haan..... unko dekhke i was thankful... atleast m not there... i jus have to walk into wipro :)

so where was i ? Day 2 was done.. ?? ya .. done....

yesterday on my way home.. i was wondering... its been a not so good time then wyhy do i have to keep a log of this... n i jus answered it .... "to learn", and that made me realise.. i've moved a step ahead... i was of the kind... life comes.. u got to live it, that was all... these things make me realise... "this is how life comes" and u STILL have to live it ....

so day 3: .net installation to be done on my system.... iw as using the solaris compiler until now... n had got js a lil comfortable n confident in woring with it... n now m asked to move to .net( i m assured its very easy compared to what i have been dooing..) but its not bout tht u kno.. its bout being comfortable to work with( but damn! ye innovation naam ka keeda insan ko kyun kaat ta hai?? m no exception! i've had my taste of it many times.. n have it quite often! ) ... han back to d installation... it took me too much time.. well a whole day precisely!... n iw as worried.. when m i gonna start my work!... it was done... srimant helped me compile! and it was hell!!!!... he said therz some problem with your system Tasneem... conclusion? OS reinstallation! i went like.. wattt???(shudnt be a big deal... but d process one has to go through to get it done is... DONT ASK!)

day 4: calls logged, requests raised..... got d IMG guy come over finally... had sm meetings.. n all.. n thought i was done with it... was very very very very low this day... things ju seemd to worsen... nujthin wrkin well here... mum not feeling any better(doctor visits .. surgery.. slip disc.. cant walk... wats happening... these were like words js popping in my mind.. n i had to keep framing things to undstand what i am thinkin of... na ll this in the middle of bad work) .. installation was on.... i sepnt sm time wid gayatri n Bhagya.. they made me feel better :)... thats wn i realised.. i need to open up... neways... dat damn installtin dint complete that day.... the damn system got rebooted!! u know at what time??? 5.45... n d img guy said... i'll come n do it tomoro mam... n i went DAMN!!!!! returned home wid all this in mind... n home was no good either.... i dont even want to mention wats goin on there.. jus too many things.. jus too many..

will continue this later.. Safa waitin out for me.. for coffee... n wil get bak to wprk after that... .. hopefully wil steal some time from all of it n meet myslef here...

another missed call(safa ka )

Bye!

have to leave!! 6:10pm !!!!!!!!!!!

EnJoY??#!$%^&* (srimant said that to me a while ago)....man if they call this enjoy.. then this aint the place for me to be in!!! sheesh! the last week has shown me too too too many ups n downs... nah.. they were just downs!! n all of 'em seemed to compete in their depth!!! i dotn wanna say i went through hell... coz hey! this seems to be just just the beginning!! lol yea.... m hinting at d fact that i perhaps may have worse to see.... (noticed smtihn wierd? this is perhaps the veyr first time i am talking of an adversity with a tinge of laughter!! yea i really have to laugh at myself, this scenario, my situation.. everythin everythin!!!) yea this ha got one good thing related to it though... atleast am smiling(Dilse) yea... i know i've got a hard time coming up wid earlier patches already on... but... m jus getting used to well ok... "the bad" of work and some other things(this takin me a hell lot of time :( )

i havent been "working" yea... dats true... i;ve just been meddling around.. making frantic calls, and have been at my "upset best" ( i dunno if that makes sense.. i js meant to say i;ve been at my peak of being upset) and you know me! i wouldnt share a word with anybody :( ( dis is one thing i really need to change of me! ) and this made me relaise.. how important it is to share... yea.. i this process of down n down.. i realised... it maks things lighter to bear when you share (hey seee it rhymes.. heheh!) nah.. seriously... you js say it out.. n u feel better... its just the way the Lord has designed us... but yea the choice atleast lies with us....

day 1: meeting for work distribution... i sort of had n idea this was comin my way.. i did all the designing for it.. obviously they;d make me implement it ( a MAJOR requirement Ericsson is looking forward to int his release :( :( ... ) and that already sunk into me before it was officially declared to me... neways.. back to the meeting... i got what i expected... i said ok.. nex thing... Naidu further distributed the work items... Srimant at one point said.. No .. iw ont take it... let Tasneem and Soumendra do that.. i'll help them... ( i dint say a word.. i js kept sayint o myslef... wats rong wid him...) Srimant was very very very adamant bout it.. and so was Naidu(dats the usual Naidu.. hez very adamant bout everything!! ) n that gave me a hint... okkk Srimant is leaviing!! n i kept sayin... NO NO NOO this cant happen.. he cant go ... he cant leave that way.. he just cant go!! i cudnt imagine Alex without Srimant( by the way.. hez the module lead) but he didnt even declare it... so there still was hope... nah.. ur jus thinkin too much Tasneem, i told myself... y wud he go... he;'ll be tehre... d meeting finished.. srimant still said hez not doing it.... i dunno what happened after that.... srimant made frantic steps to get eveyrthing installed on my system... too many things... he was jus p[ushing all data on to my machine.. and there i was assured... TASNEEM!!!!! HEZ GOING!!!! my heart sank! wo chalagaya... to mera kya hoga!! i cant do it! hez been workin on ALex since 3 years now.. he knows the in n out of it.. n m here since 2 months.. js did a few things here and there thats all.... then??? what if they ask me to do the release this time?!?!?!?! nooooooo way!!!!! ....
Day 2: Srimant adds two more ppl in the team.... both no nothing bout Alex.. onez new guy.. and the other one was a part of our team b ut wrkin on a nother module... but fr alex.. he was a novice!! now i knew it!! yup.. they'll make me do it... they have NO OTHER GO!!! i still kept sayin nah.. hez not leavin( i am really bad at this.. i just dont wanna face reality!!!!! i dunno when m gonna change!!!! :( if i were some one else.. i'd slap tasneem n say idiot!! he really is leaving!!) neways..... Srimant sent a mail saying.. come to my table... v;ll have a session... n v started havin sessions bout how to do the releases( did i still need any assurance???? huh!!)

TO BE CONTINUED!! this is the fastes post i;'ve ever typed... and i dunno if i can compelte it... i;ve got loads of work... but hey.. ire slogged ( not really work but it was more of emotinal put down) to get till here!

Reached office @ 8.11 am

Good Morning!!!

this onez probably my first eva post ritten so early in d morning :)... Hamed( my cousin) got up early(before 7!!!! coz its a holiday n he wanted to njoy every bit of it! dumdum) and he saw me ready to leave... and said gimme ur office no. i'll call up n ask ... i am sure its a holiday.. y r u goin... i js smiled... he was so damn sure dat it wud be a hol (kuch band hai shayad.. i dunno.. scools colz closed... board xams also postponed) i started hopin too.. lol... as i walked my way through that lane to hire n auto... i saw kids running back home in joy... they shouted chuttttttiiiiiiiiiiii.... n wow... the ecstacy i saw on those naughty faces was overwhelming!!! what could be better than that.... u get up a summer morning.. n lazily dress up and finish breakfast cribbin n cryin and ur mom yelling at you to finish it all and move quick else you'll miss d bus.... and you go out.. n rush back home widin few minutes... yipppyy holidayyyyyyyy... they were jumpin yaa.. baji chutti haiii one of them said.. i smiled... n hoped again... i told mum... mummy agar aj chutti hai to mein ghar waapas nai aarun... m gona hav fun today.. mein movie dekhne jarun i told chachi.. ans she said.. movieeeeeeeeeeee? i said chachi.. itne saal scool college aur ab kaam.. ek baar bhi doston ke saath movie nai dekhi.. sharam nai aati aisi bhateeji pee!! lol n we laughed... i thot i'd call up a frnd n go meet her.. its been long and v sure wud cook up a good or a good for nuthin plan.. lol...
i kept waitin at my stop... this time.. waiting for the bus "not to come" .. traffic was comparatively lesser than usual too.. my hopes js became more optimistic neways... it wznt dat i was gona b sad if it wd come.. but i sure wud b happy if it wudnt :D
i waited.... hoping that my wait wudnt end... but it did... n d bus came.. so i said ok.. neva mind...

newyas ... even in d bus.. i mean js as it reached office.. isaw there were no other buses... n js as we passed the gate i saw two ppl.. walkin away frm their tower towards d gate.. i started hoping again.. lol... as i waled to reach upstairs at my cube.. i kept hoping.. i dunno y i kept hoping that log though... lol...

neways... i;ve to get bak to wrk...

adios :)
m hopin i'll have a nice day InshAllah :)

A silly'ly, dumbly, stupidly welcomed surprise

well.... i still admit it was.. umm err.. dumb!!!!

my fone rang, it was n office number, i thot it must be one of Firdous or Rehmath pinging me to move for namaz, i took the call.. it was Safaa, she asked me to move fr namaz widout her, she'd join me for lunch... i said ok.. n hungup.... the fone rang again(widin less than 5 seconds), i said han Safa bolo( it was d same no., i noticed!!) and on the other end... i heard "Kaun hai ji" and man that tone was pathetic!!!!! i lukd at d number again... yeaa it was d same one safaa called from... i thot iw as dreaming... i put d fone to my ear again... and said hello... and again i hear a "kaun hai ji" (dat accent yaa... i wish i cud putit here.. i'd say it xactly dat way to show you how it went!!!) n i thought... huh!! wipro mein aise log bhi hain... ... so to dat second kaun hai, i asked.. ap kaun hai... and i again heard the guy on d other end say smthin wierd , i wz... umm well yea a lil scared... but yea i did assume it must hv been one of hutch's blunders that they usually commit.... i recheckd d number.. and hung up finally!!

then i got another call... i looked closely at my mobile... it was again n office number.. i took the call, thankfully.. it was Rehmath dis time.. and she said she'd meet me downstairs wid Firdous.. i kept thinkin.. n then frgot bout it...

Finished namaz.. and moved for lunch.. Safaa was alread waitin for me outside her tower.. seems like she was verryyy hungry... so v js walked.. n then had lunch.. and there she tells me... oh Tasneem.. that one on the fone was Gyaan(dats how its pronounced, but its spelt Gnan, i dunno y... i js happnd to see it smwhere)... i had frgotten bout it (lol yea in such a short period!!!! y else do u think eveyone calls me a bhullakkad!!) i went all red... n grrr .. n eeeeeekks.. Safaa.. u know it was sooo dumb.. i was gona ask you... who it was on the fone from ur no. and she js laughed... and i was still pissd off..... n she was like.. "its ok .. he was js kiddin... and he said.. oh she hung up.. dint she recognize my voice.. and dznt she know we b oth r on the same project... " n to that i js told her how exactly he said it.. and she laughed again.. i cudnt obviosly belive that sm1 in wipro wud talk like that.. lol.. neways... it was very wierd then... now its very funny..

we had lunch... i was js about to finish and i saw Gyan there... wid Sudha... i gave Sudha that silly smile i always give her.. and she waved,a t that Gyan lukd and i gave him a look( i cant describe dat one!) and he laughd.. n i laughd too...

later he came to our table.. and said you were really scared.. i said.. well... ( i cudnt say yes! :D its too stupid to b scared by a silly call.. i know...) and he asked.. you were? and i went.. umm ya.. it was very funny n wierd!! and he laughed n everyone else did too :) and then he removed a choclate from his pocket (crackle.. yummm :D) and he gave it to me.. and i went :D thanx!! but i was too puzzled for all this.. and asked.. what for, he said you got scared like a kid so a choclate... smthin like taht... and the rest of the ppl on his table kept staring at me and the choclate.. n i kept lukin too.. it was wierd.. they stared at me.. then i thought... oh kuch gadbad hai... and i lukd at the choclate, Gyan was still smiling, i askd.. choclate hi hai?? he said haan.. n Anwar also said han.. kholo to sahi.... n sudha too lukd at me wid dose anticipating eyes.. and i was all the more worried.. ki kya hai ismee!!! i dunno... they kept staring all the while.. and iw as all the more curious... n one of 'em said.. nuthin.. v jus wanna see you relish it... n my mind went.. o oo.. i h ope these guyz dint see me having that choclate muffine yesterday.. mmmmm kya tha malum.. n i njoyed every every every "crumb" of it... to kahin... ye log.. uspe to hint na karre the.. lol.... neways... it was sealed... dint seem tampered with.. i opened it... han sahi salaamat hai choclate andar i declared.. and they still were loooking at it... and they asked me to take a bite.. d wierd thing was .. they wanted me to do it right there.. lol.. its funny thinking of it now.. n riting bout it... neways... i opened it.. n Anwar gave me wierd looks again.. i toook a bite.. it was fine... and then they all went like.. haaaaaaa... ab hame bhi do! loll!!... i tuk a cube.. and handed it to sudha... she lukd and said.. js one??? i asked her to share that one cube with alll... n there was a roar of laughter... lol....

had a nice time :)

and have to get abk to work now !!... wo clearcase firse dumm karra meku! i dunno y therz a problem all d time when i do a check out!!

neways... will wrap it up here!!

ciao!

and haan... a very dumb title js popped in mind.. for htis one!! lol... my english is goin haywire!

My Autumn of Thoughts

Seems like a season of thoughts
i close my eyes and see it all flash

that gate we'd walk through
that ramp we'd walk down
those endless stairs..
and those technical fairs

there were things always on our mind
but we had each other to unwind

those silly fights
and those samosa bites
and with it a pack of frooti or appy
that was all required, to make us happy

and how about that internal exam tension?
cramming stuff in that little two hour break session??

those chirpy talks at the bench
those rains in which we were totally drenched
the money calculation that we would do
those auto fights were so much fun too

I know its all about reminiscing now
and yes on that i sure can vow
that was time beautifully spent
not a word of regret and no lament.